Not everyday is the same for me, I know I live in a basic routine that leaves me feeling unfulfilled, but in all honesty my emotions have gone unbalanced for so long I can never really comprehend what I am feeling.
As a person who has been battling with depression and anxiety for as long as I can remember now, there isn't really much that I know about how I feel. I know I get this sinking in my chest whenever I start to get bad again. I know that whenever I start to get overwhelmed by thoughts I lose contact with those who care about me.
I am a person who has struggled with self harm for the upwards of three years. I sometimes will go a few months without harming my body, but in the end I always end up falling right back into the same habits.
I used to starve myself for as long as I could possibly take, because I hated myself so much that I just didn't think my body deserved food. I went on with this for way longer than I would like to think about, until my body would hurt so much, and I would feel so exhausted yet I would never sleep. I still fall back into this habit, but it's incredibly rare and it never lasts as long as it used to.
This isn't meant to be a vent about somebody who has issues controlling their emotions. I just needed to come clean about what I feel and what I put up with living inside my body.
It's never the same before it gets bad. Sometimes I'll be happy, but then I just feel nothing. Other times I get the occasional spell of despair and loneliness, and then I crash. This time though, I felt happy, and I recognized this. But I also recognized that there is two major conflicts happening within me right now. I'm not going to say what they are because that's more or less irrelevant, but I have been trying to figure out some stuff for quite some time now and I just can't seem to work it out.
So today I felt the most torn apart feeling I've experienced in a long time. I could physically feel what little happiness and hope I had rip away from me, and all I was left with was bitterness. I can barely cry to let it out, and when I do it's just those slow tears that barely leave your eyes and make your eyes burn from the tears.
I miss so many people right now, yet I have no idea how to approach and talk to them. I know that they might be able to help me yet I don't move a muscle. I don't even try to give them a shot because the second I tell them what's going on they'll leave. They always do. They never understand so they leave me when I need them most.
I'm tired of getting left behind so I just don't open up to the new people in my life. I hurt beyond words, yet I probably won't tell them.
I'm afraid of seeming dramatic and needy. so I won't tell them that I desperately need their guidance, their love. I just need reassurance sometimes.
Without a doubt I am fighting this alone, but I am the one who has distanced myself, so I am the only one to blame. I just wish someone would happen to reach out in curiosity, but they won't. It's for the best though, nobody wants to hear my sob story of trying to unravel what I feel.
It is late, and I know I won't get more than a few hours of sleep at best, but I'm going to try because sleep is the only thing that takes me away from the pain that I feel right now.
I am never easy to decipher, I know this to be true, but if you can find that you relate to me at all, I'll know I've done all that I can do.
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